Happy Anniversary...

Today would have been my three year wedding anniversary. That is the leather/crystal anniversary for anyone who is interested. Or at least that is what the site I googled said.

I doubt I will be getting either leather or crystal. Instead, I can remember that it was on this day three years ago that someone promised to love me forever and didn't even make it two years (given that the affair started well before our second anniversary). So now today commemorates the day I was told the biggest lie of all.

He is celebrating it with his girlfriend.

In honor of today, I am stopping this blog. He reads it and gives me a hard time. Since I don't think he really has a say in that kind of stuff at all, this blog is no longer so that I don't have to deal with his critiques. I will be starting a new one and will send the link around to those who care to have it.

Thanks for listening.

Tourtured Artist, my new identity

Talking to a friend today, I realized the I tend to blog more when I am upset. Perhaps there is something to the whole idea that art comes from pain. Of course, I do not consider this blog to be "art" of any kind, but it is interesting to see how the posts ebb and flow along with my general outlook.

So this has been a rough week. I have written several entries that despite my TMI tendencies on this blog, I haven't posted. I guess this post is the culmination of those other posts in a filtered form.

Part of the reason I feel down is that I realized that I am officially a "part-time" mom. And it kinda sucks. Jillian's dad takes her two nights a week and we split weekends. I am always very sad when I come home on those days and the house is empty. This is on top of the fact that I work outside of the house from 8:30 - 5 pm each day. So not only do I have the typical, "I spend more time with my boss than my kid" guilt, I have the "I am a part-time mom" guilt. I am not going to lie, some times it is good to know that I can sleep in a bit or do something for myself, but I still miss her.

Second, I realize that in the coming months/years Jillian's dad is going to be able to give her something I am not - a dad and a "mom." Since he already has a serious girlfriend, someone that I can only assume from his decisions in the past few months means more to him than I ever did, when he has Jillian they can be a little family. When Jillian is with me, that is the sum total of who she has - me. And as I mentioned above, that is only part time anyway. It is hard.

I should say that I went on a date. It was fine. I had an ok time. I think I did it so that I could spend some time with a male who was actually interested in spending some time with me. So that I could show the world that despite the fact that I am so easily replaced, I am worth someone caring about me in that way. I am also interested in being kissed, as I haven't been for about a year and a half now. (yes, go ahead and make the assumptions that flow from that statement). He wants to go out again, I am indifferent. I think it is probably healthier for me not to jump into any sort of new relationship (not that two dates = relationship). The main pull for the second date is that there was no kiss, as I am chicken. It is amazing what the past year or so has done to my self-esteem.

Third, sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel.* That is, eating pizza for every meal, quitting my job, and adopting 100 cats.** Maybe becoming a hoarder. Giving up on being a "normal" member of society, whatever that means. Ever since everything went down, and continues to pile on, I have always gotten out of bed, got dressed, tried to look pretty and did what I needed to do. I took care of myself when I was pregnant, had the baby, I took care of the baby, lost the baby weight, I cleaned and sold a house, took the bar, moved, and started work. At the while, trying to deal with the new state of my life, crushed expectations, and a feeling of worthlessness. Honestly, I am tired.

Ok, so this post is probably TMI. But as the title shows, my "creativity" seems to flow when I am feeling sad. . .

*Don't worry, I won't go through with the "letting myself go" plan. I am way too vain. And somewhere deep down, I hope for a better future. A future where I am happy, where find someone who actually loves me for me and is happy being my partner. Also, please note, I would still take good care of Jillian even if I did let myself go.
**I don't mean to offend those who only eat pizza, have quit jobs, have 100 cats or are hoarders. I am no judge of who is a "normal" member of society. I am just trying to make a point.

Whatchu talkin' about?

Last night, I stupidly watched "The Bachelor: An Officer and A Gentleman."* It was the final episode and one of the "finalists" gave the Bachelor a collage. Yup, a collage. Like with words from magazines posted around pictures of her and the Bachelor. Like the ones we put in our high school yearbooks (with the beer bottles and cigarettes blacked out) and made right before college (so as to never forget the best years of our lives).

Upon receiving said collage, the Bachelor (Andy - who speaks in a monotone voice and very slowly) said, and I quote, "I freakin' love you." So collage = love at age 30. She went on to "win the Bachelor's heart."

Anyway, I am adding the need for a collage to my list of deal breakers in relationships. So that makes, large class rings, sweat pants with elastic cuffs, adultery, and equating collages with love. In the picture above, Jillian looks as skeptical as I feel about the romantic appeal of the collage.

In other random news, I have eaten a turkey sandwich for lunch and dinner every weekday for about two weeks. I do not know what that is about.

*in my defense, I wasn't actually watching - I was trying to figure out how to get the videos I have taken of Jillian off of the camcorder and onto the computer. I got them off, but now can't open them or use imovie. See blog post, infra re: my lack of technical abilities.

One Week Until Vacation!

Get excited!!

Philly vs. San Francisco

There are many, many differences between Philadelphia and San Francisco. One of the most glaring is the amount of smokers here versus in California. Here, it seems like one in three people smokes. We even have a "smokers coat closet" at work. There is a separate closet for non-smokers. No judgment here, just observation. I hang my coat on the back of my door.

Also, I have turned into a California pedestrian and driver. I walk when the light is green, expecting not to get hit by turning cars. This has led to me almost getting killed about 100 times. People here don't stop for pedestrians. Very east coast. Likewise, when I drive, I wait for pedestrians to cross the street. So I get honked at alot. Oh well. I guess there is some California in me after all.

One thing that hasn't changed....yup, you guessed it....Jillian is still very cute.

Happy Mother's Day

I will admit that mother's day was the holiday I was dreading the most, now that I know my marriage was, for all intents and purposes, a sham. Not Valentine's Day, or my 30th Birthday. I guess all the commercials where the dad is giving the mom jewelry and saying how much he loves her for being a good mom have really gotten to me. Damn you Kay Jewelers. Or perhaps it is knowing that my husband was spending the weekend with his girlfriend, the one he started dating two months after I had the baby. Yeah, so the timeline was end of August, find out he was cheating, early October have baby, mid-December (while living with me and not telling me) he starts dating this new girl (his best friend's ex-girlfriend). I must have really meant alot to him. That is an excellent feeling to have on mother's day.

It is hard. This is all very very hard.

Stand up, be proud

...shout your name out loud. Here is Jillian shouting at her animals. Enjoy.

Confessions...

Ok, so in some of my posts I may have mislead you about some things. Now I am coming clean...

First, I use the CoffeeMate at work. I know I said it freaks me out, but I tried it and I like it. Plus, my only other option there is creamer and I just don't find the pros of creamer to outweigh its cons. Anyway, I use the CoffeeMate, just thought I should be upfront about it.

Second, I said I wanted to go on a date. I don't think I actually do. I went out last night with my good friend L and some guys did the whole "do I know you from somewhere" bit.* And they were perfectly nice but I just didn't want to deal with it. I want an old relationship, someone I can watch an on demand movie with while baby J sleeps. Someone I feel comfortable with. Someone who is ok with my post-pregnancy self. Someone who loves me already. I want the little family that I thought I would have when we decided to start a family. So I take back the previously outlined goal of wanting to go on a date. I think I will just try to enjoy being by myself for awhile. I reserve the right to change my mind on this one.

Third, when Jillian is not staying with me, like tonight, I am pretty sad. I miss her.


*one guy also asked if I was Jewish. I thought this was very unusual, as I have never been mistaken for one of the Chosen People before. I mean I am half Irish, half Italian and all Catholic (at least raised that way, haven't spent that much time in church lately). And I look it. It didn't seem to deter him, but it was weird. Could I have asked him if he is an adulterer? If so, that would have been a deal breaker for me.