Tourtured Artist, my new identity

Talking to a friend today, I realized the I tend to blog more when I am upset. Perhaps there is something to the whole idea that art comes from pain. Of course, I do not consider this blog to be "art" of any kind, but it is interesting to see how the posts ebb and flow along with my general outlook.

So this has been a rough week. I have written several entries that despite my TMI tendencies on this blog, I haven't posted. I guess this post is the culmination of those other posts in a filtered form.

Part of the reason I feel down is that I realized that I am officially a "part-time" mom. And it kinda sucks. Jillian's dad takes her two nights a week and we split weekends. I am always very sad when I come home on those days and the house is empty. This is on top of the fact that I work outside of the house from 8:30 - 5 pm each day. So not only do I have the typical, "I spend more time with my boss than my kid" guilt, I have the "I am a part-time mom" guilt. I am not going to lie, some times it is good to know that I can sleep in a bit or do something for myself, but I still miss her.

Second, I realize that in the coming months/years Jillian's dad is going to be able to give her something I am not - a dad and a "mom." Since he already has a serious girlfriend, someone that I can only assume from his decisions in the past few months means more to him than I ever did, when he has Jillian they can be a little family. When Jillian is with me, that is the sum total of who she has - me. And as I mentioned above, that is only part time anyway. It is hard.

I should say that I went on a date. It was fine. I had an ok time. I think I did it so that I could spend some time with a male who was actually interested in spending some time with me. So that I could show the world that despite the fact that I am so easily replaced, I am worth someone caring about me in that way. I am also interested in being kissed, as I haven't been for about a year and a half now. (yes, go ahead and make the assumptions that flow from that statement). He wants to go out again, I am indifferent. I think it is probably healthier for me not to jump into any sort of new relationship (not that two dates = relationship). The main pull for the second date is that there was no kiss, as I am chicken. It is amazing what the past year or so has done to my self-esteem.

Third, sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel.* That is, eating pizza for every meal, quitting my job, and adopting 100 cats.** Maybe becoming a hoarder. Giving up on being a "normal" member of society, whatever that means. Ever since everything went down, and continues to pile on, I have always gotten out of bed, got dressed, tried to look pretty and did what I needed to do. I took care of myself when I was pregnant, had the baby, I took care of the baby, lost the baby weight, I cleaned and sold a house, took the bar, moved, and started work. At the while, trying to deal with the new state of my life, crushed expectations, and a feeling of worthlessness. Honestly, I am tired.

Ok, so this post is probably TMI. But as the title shows, my "creativity" seems to flow when I am feeling sad. . .

*Don't worry, I won't go through with the "letting myself go" plan. I am way too vain. And somewhere deep down, I hope for a better future. A future where I am happy, where find someone who actually loves me for me and is happy being my partner. Also, please note, I would still take good care of Jillian even if I did let myself go.
**I don't mean to offend those who only eat pizza, have quit jobs, have 100 cats or are hoarders. I am no judge of who is a "normal" member of society. I am just trying to make a point.