Confessions...

Ok, so in some of my posts I may have mislead you about some things. Now I am coming clean...

First, I use the CoffeeMate at work. I know I said it freaks me out, but I tried it and I like it. Plus, my only other option there is creamer and I just don't find the pros of creamer to outweigh its cons. Anyway, I use the CoffeeMate, just thought I should be upfront about it.

Second, I said I wanted to go on a date. I don't think I actually do. I went out last night with my good friend L and some guys did the whole "do I know you from somewhere" bit.* And they were perfectly nice but I just didn't want to deal with it. I want an old relationship, someone I can watch an on demand movie with while baby J sleeps. Someone I feel comfortable with. Someone who is ok with my post-pregnancy self. Someone who loves me already. I want the little family that I thought I would have when we decided to start a family. So I take back the previously outlined goal of wanting to go on a date. I think I will just try to enjoy being by myself for awhile. I reserve the right to change my mind on this one.

Third, when Jillian is not staying with me, like tonight, I am pretty sad. I miss her.


*one guy also asked if I was Jewish. I thought this was very unusual, as I have never been mistaken for one of the Chosen People before. I mean I am half Irish, half Italian and all Catholic (at least raised that way, haven't spent that much time in church lately). And I look it. It didn't seem to deter him, but it was weird. Could I have asked him if he is an adulterer? If so, that would have been a deal breaker for me.

Make it Glamorous

This weekend, some good friends came to visit and meet Jillian for the first time. It was a great weekend - beautiful weather and good company.

During the course of catching up, JL (who gets the photo credit) suggested that I make my divorce appear glamorous. I thought this was a hilarious, but great idea. As if I am some jet-setting divorcee with better things to do then worry about failed relationships. Like I use a cigarette holder on a regular basis. So while my jet-setting involves walking to work and home again, sometimes with a stop at Rite Aid to buy diapers, I do it in high heels in order to make it glamorous.

Jillian does not do glamorous just yet. She has, however, perfected surly. See above.

And that's when my drinking problem started...

Don't worry everyone, that is just water in the glass. Jillian is super interested in cups and utensils. So I let her play with cups (while I hold them). I figure it is better then letting her play with knives.

Thanks to all who joined us for brunch last weekend (where this picture was taken) - three McC's, J, M and Uncle Nikkon (who gets the photo credit). Jillian enjoys a good brunch.

And a shout out to my Alabama friends (some of whom roll into town tomorrow!), who used the title of this post once as a caption to a picture of another cute baby. Don't want to steal your thunder.

A Great Way to Impress Your New Colleagues

Today I was in the "coffee station" at my new office, filling up my trusty firm-issued water bottle, when someone I hadn't met came in to grab a snack (yes, we have free snacks). After some banter about afternoon snack cravings, I grabbed my water bottle and turned to go back to my office. Except I grabbed the CoffeeMate. I said good-bye and walked all the way back to my office until I realized I had CoffeeMate in my hand and not my water bottle. Needless to say, the person I was with in the coffee station and everyone I passed by must have thought I was bananas.

As a side note, what is CoffeeMate anyway? It kinda freaks me out.

In my defense, baby J has decided that she no longer likes sleeping from 7pm to 5:30am. Instead she likes to scream at bedtime and then wake up around 1:30am and not go back to sleep until after 2pm. Not fun for me. In her defense, she had her shots this week so she may be cranky.

Perhaps the fact that I passed the Pennsylvania bar will counterbalance the CoffeeMate incident. I am not exactly sure how I passed, but I did (found out today). I am celebrating with a frozen pizza and a beer. And trying not to dwell on the fact that my celebration is actually fairly pathetic.

Like mother, like daughter

Jillian and I are making the same face in each of these pictures. I think that is funny. She is my buddy. Thanks to L for the pictures!

Clearly Labeled

This is one of my favorite Jillian shirts. Because she is clearly labeled as a baby girl. Just in case there was any confusion. I guess there could easily be some confusion about her gender (which is ok on all fronts) but not that she is a baby. She is obviously a baby.

My Horoscope: let go and move on

Today my horoscope read as follows:

To others you have appeared lately to be like a swan gliding through life. No one would guess at the frantic activity that has been occurring underneath the surface of your life. Now you can afford to stop paddling and go with the flow. Today you can ride a current and trust that it is taking you in the right direction. Despite your fears and uncertainty about the future you are being taken care of. More faith and less agitation promise to leave you feeling as serene as you look.

I don't agree with the whole "swan" analogy or that I have looked serene lately, but this horoscope gave me some cheer today. Maybe I am actually fooling the general public into thinking all is well and maybe I am on the path to happiness. And this blurb was kinda freaky in its applicability. (The source is cainer.com for those who are curious).

So I am going to run with this. I want things to be ok, so I am going to start acting like they will be. I am going to have faith that the future holds something good for me and I am going to accept things for what they are right now - difficult but temporary.

In the spirit of moving on, here is the story so that I can get it off my chest and stop dancing around it. He cheated on me. He did so for most of my pregnancy. I found out when I was eight months pregnant. He is already in a new relationship and has been for awhile (not with the same person he cheated with), which makes it hard for me. So that is what I have been dealing with. I had previously not mentioned this in an attempt to "keep it in the family" and because he asked me not to. But honestly, I can't keep putting him first and it feels good just to say it, put it out there without commentary, and move on. Perhaps putting my intention to step away from this awfulness down in writing will force me to fulfill it.

Now I intend to keep this blog happier and to be less of a Debbie Downer. Thanks to those who have been there for me. It has always made me feel better to know that I have such great people in my life.

Are the Sopranos trying to break up with me?

You know how sometimes people want out of a relationship and do things to get you to break up with them? Usually because they are too cowardly to do it themselves? Like picking on you, making you think you are ugly and stupid, or sleeping with someone else?

Well, I think that is what the Sopranos is trying to do. This is the last season and last night's opening episode was a complete snooze-fest. So I think the writers are trying to make the viewers sigh in relief when the show finally ends. To click off the tv and say to ourselves, "he was a jerk anyway" or "I am better off without him."

The question is, do we save ourselves the hurt and pain and just walk away now?

Not Allowed to Date Jerks

On one of my last days before going back to work, I was watching a talk show about single moms getting their "game" back. Ugh. I know.

Despite the shear stupidity of the show in general, someone made a point that once you are a mom, you lose the right to date jerks. Jerks are bad for the kids as well as the mom. Thus, even if you are inclined to date "bad boys," selfish men, or any particular brand of jerk, you owe it to your kid not to do so.

This actually made some sense to me. I have had people treat me poorly in relationships and obviously don't want that again. But now, I have an obligation to avoid a bad relationship for Jillian's sake. I guess as I will most likely be alone for years to come, I can pretend that I am choosing to remain alone in order to be a good mom.

Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be the same concern for single dads. No shows about it, no concerns with men moving on and bringing questionable ladies into their child's life. There should be.

I would like to go on a date. I would. I would like to meet someone nice. Just someone that is taller than me and doesn't think that they deserve someone better. Those are my requirements. That is it. One superficial, one regarding character.

Special Handling

Here are some pictures of Jillian. Notice she has a florescent pink tag on her car seat - it is from gate checking the stroller. She likes to stare at it, yell at it, and try to grab it, so I have left it on. Hey if a free tag does the trick, who am I to argue?

Not an exciting post, I know. But a cute one.

Mission: Impossible

The mission I have apparently already chosen to accept is as follows:

- find out devastating news at 35 weeks pregnant
- have a 9 lb. 3 oz. baby in about 20 minutes and then proceed to loose all your blood, spend days in the hospital with morphine drip.
- be a new mom, constantly pop pain killers, run out of pain killers. Cry.
- be a new mom who is getting divorced, deal with being unloved at a vulnerable time.
- travel to four cities in ten days for the holidays.
- prep house to be sold, sell house.
- do not study for bar exam, take bar exam
- find out more devastating news, think that might be your breaking point.
- learn that certain folks find you "aloof and rude."
- organize move cross country
- locate apartment in Philadelphia
- fly with baby, two cats, two suitcases, and pack and play to Philly.
- start work full time at large law firm and try to be "normal."

Is it too late to decline this mission? I should have just let the message self-destruct and take me with it.

April Fool for the Return to Work Girl

Tomorrow, I go back to work full time. I have been off for over six months. And now it is time to go back in a new office. I feel decidedly unready and unprepared.

I haven't used my brain in any real way for months. I haven't had to dress for work (in a non-maternity clothes way) in over a year and a half. I have to leave my baby with a nanny. She (the baby, not the nanny) still won't take a bottle. I have to work with people I don't know. I have over 1100 unread emails. My blackberry says it is Feb 15 at 10:21 am. I left my old office and took my laptop with me, which I don't think I was supposed to do. Sigh.

AHHHH!!!! Not to be dramatic or anything.

Plus, I am doing this as a single mom. Going back to work is probably pretty stressful for any mom, but I don't have the built in support system of a husband or partner. Again, family and friends have stepped up big time, but sometimes I wonder what it is like to have that partner that supports you and loves you, especially when times are a bit stressful. I wonder what it is like to feel loved as a new mom in general. Ok, now I am being depressing. Sorry.

Anyway, wish me luck! I am sure it will be fine. Well, I am not actually sure of that, but I am going to give it my best shot.